Posted by: conservativecritic | October 27, 2012

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

Some grade school children were asked to provide a written summary of the Christian Bible….here is what one child wrote:

In the beginning, which occurred

near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The

Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot

older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a

light!’ and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors

hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by

eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of

Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t

have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who

hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people

died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or


One of the next important people

was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.

Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He

asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to

take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and

Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold

Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son

named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is

Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel

Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil

Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues

on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels,

and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day

with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These

include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one

more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was

Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the

battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.. He got to

be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named

Solomon who had about 700 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he

was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of

major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a

big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league

prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the

New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament.. He was born in

Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my

mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’

It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many

arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.The

worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a

terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed

many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those

guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick

up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins,

then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at

the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of



——- Nothing bad will happen if

you don’t, but if you forward this delightful story you’ll make

someone LAUGH today and they’ll keep spreading the laughter by sending

it on!!

And, if you look at the world from an evangelistic point of view,  perhaps someone halfway around the world will pick up a bible and begin reading to find out what really happened…it’s like planting a little seed and watering it and watching it grow…One never knows the many ways the gospel can be spread…



  1. Reblogged this on Conservative Critic's Blog.

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