A MESSAGE FROM THE “QUEEN”
As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilus. The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi, in the farthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, there were also questions about my royal e-mails and why I am hiding them.
Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you the people (at your great expense). For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you pretending to be just like you, listening to your deepest longings and needs.
I will be with you in your Wal-Marts and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land, in hopes of convincing you that I actually care about your poverty and needs.
How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace, we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor that we had to remove thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets, and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. But it was noticed and we had to return all of it. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given just enough for us to scrape by.
During those difficult times we had to cut back when our daughter was married. We only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding, and I remember our hopes as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. And the job I was able to secure for her pays only $600,000 per year, barely enough for her wardrobe needs!
So, as I travel across our land to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Please remember – do not actually approach me until my PR staff can first arrange a photo opportunity. Then when the time for the royal election comes, I trust you will be sufficiently dense & naive to crown me as your rightful monarch so that we can all live happily ever after.